Two days ago I stepped on the scale and I was a half pound heavier than when I weighed myself the day before. I know that a half a pound is nothing - it's like a big glass of water, but still that number just knocked me down. It was the first time since I started my fitness program in September that the number wasn't the same or lower than the last time I checked. And to add some context to how absolutely ridiculous this moment of disappointment was, I had just looked in the mirror and thought that my face looked thinner and that my upper arms looked a bit less "meaty". Then, 45 seconds later I was deflated and filled with self doubt that the process was failing me! Why does that stupid piece of plastic and metal have this much power over me?
The one other time in my life when I lost a significant amount of weight was when I was 21 years old. (I think I will give its own post later) At that time, I was an absolute slave to the scale, to the point of weighing myself up to 5 times every day! My mind was so focused on that number and making it go down that I really lost sight of my health and fitness. Before that I absolutely hated the scale and avoided it like the plague. I went through phases when I blatantly lied to myself and others about what I weighed. I don't know how or why this number became so important to me but it was. As I moved through my 20's and 30's and gained and lost 50 pounds a couple of times (babies #1 and #2) the number itself became less important. I weighed myself occasionally and I wasn't ever really pleased with that number but it didn't take up a lot of space in my brain. So now how have I gotten back to the place where those three digits have the power to make or break my day?
Since that sad little bathroom encounter, I have had a chance to reflect and think about why it hit me so hard. It's about control. But that number on the scale has so many factors that aren't all 100% within my control. What I can control is getting up everyday motivated to make good choices. I can continue to press play on my workouts everyday. I can take the time to prepare and pack good food to fuel my days.
I want so desperately for this to be the time that it all clicks and I make this grand turn-around in my life. And I honestly feel like that is where I am headed. Every day I feel like I have more energy. I am fueling my body with the right foods and plenty of water. My clothes are fitting better and I am all around just happier. And when I put all of those things up compared to what the Earth's gravitational pull on me is in any given moment, it is easy to see which things matter more. I am going to put the scale away for a few weeks. I have my starting weight for this round of 21 day Fix and I will wait to weigh again until day 21. I will let you know how it goes.
Oh, and by the way I did look it up to verify - weight is actually a measure of the Earth's gravitational pull on a body's mass. And then I thought, "Maybe that extra half pound was just the Earth holding onto me a little bit tighter - like a gravity hug!" That could be a thing, right?
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